Husband for Sale

Perfect for each other.

My Mom had been raised on a ranch.

She knew cattle

And  could speak the language with anyone.

But there were times when she longed to change the conversation.

She and Dad were out with a group of friends.

Fellow ranchers.

The conversation veered, as it always did, to the discussion of the newest miracle bull.

"That 55L! What a bull! Longest animal I've ever seen!"
An animal's length is important. More beef on the hoof.

Just FYI.

The men were enraptured.

The women, silent, polite listeners.

Mom tried to add some colour other than red and white to the conversation.

We did something different this weekend," she said. "We went to a Gilbert and Sullivan . . ."

But the men's conversation continued unabated.

"You know, 55L was unknown until his calves hit the ground! Long. Tall. Big as colts!"

"We saw the Pirates of Penzance," Mom finished weakly.

No one heard her.

She sighed and withdrew.

But her mind was working busily.

A few days later, Mom again took a back seat to Dad's cows.

Giving up on a much anticipated wedding because Dad couldn't go.

That was the last straw.

The next day, she decided to play a prank on my Dad.

She called the local paper and had this ad inserted:

            HUSBAND FOR SALE - Cheap

            Complete with blue jeans, SSS monogrammed shirt, 

            rubber boots, old floppy hat, B.S. spattered coveralls, 

            pitch fork, scoop shovel, feed bucket, 

            25 Hereford cows and one grumpy bull. 

            Not home much. 

            Speaks only COW. Call 244-2108

Then she waited.

Not a word was said, though she saw my father reading the paper and knew that he always finished every word.

The next day, another ad appeared, directly below Mom's.

This one read:

            HONEY FOR SALE

            The sweetest gal this side of Texas. Good mother, 

            helpful, kind, patient, understanding, loving,

            cheerful, caring, cooperative, self-sacrificing, 

            grateful for all favours, especially a frugal income, 

            and as a bonus, is beautiful and loves 

            my Hereford cows. Call 244-2108.

Enough said.