Saturday, August 29, 2015

Cow Speak

At least one of us was a lady . . .
It was hot!
I was tired!
Give me a minute, I'm sure I can think of better excuses . . .
The milk cow had been quartered in the east pasture, waiting for her to 'freshen'. (A cowboy term for 'give birth'.)
I know.
Cowboys are weird.
Moving on . . .
Her moment was getting close and it was time for her move into closer quarters.
I was elected to do it.
On foot.
Sigh.
Dad dropped me off at the gate with specific instructions. "Just chase her along the ditch, past the ranch and into the near-west pasture." I nodded. Instructions received and understood.
He drove off.
Things went well at first.
Right up until we reached the ranch entrance.
Madame Cow (I use this term lightly) couldn't quite get into her head the part of our instructions that said, "PAST the ranch."
I should explain here that the entrance to the ranch was on the north side of the road. The ditch we were following toward the west was also on the north side of the road.
And, when the breach in the fence appeared, Madame Cow insisted on turning . . . north. Towards the buildings. I had to sprint around her (remember I was on foot) and turn her back towards the road.
At which time she took the corner and headed east up the ditch we had just come down.
Another sigh. A little more forceful this time. And accompanied by a "Stupid cow!"
I got around her (feet, again) and turned her back west.
She followed the fence and again turned towards the ranch.
Way wrong!
"Stupid, dumb cow!"
Back towards the road.
Please head west. Please?!
Nope. East.
*#$! Cow!
Just a little swear.
This went on for some time, and my language, I'm ashamed to say . . . worsened.
Or got more colorful. That would be the 'PC' term.
Remember, I was raised around hired men. Experts at the English language. Or at least a colorful part of it.
Not an excuse, just a reason.
Again and again, I got round her and tried to head her in the correct direction.
Again and again, she . . . didn't.
And my language got more and more peppered with, shall we say, 'colorful metaphors'?
None of which explained to said cow exactly what I expected of her.
I have to admit that the poor animal was probably quite confused by this time.
There were the buildings. With hay and comfort.
Why were we going the other way?
Okay, strange human, I'll just go back where I came from.
No?
Except that it would have probably sounded more like this:
Food!
Home!
Food!
Home!
In 'cow' of course.
Finally, after what seemed hours of chasing back and forth, and turning the air blue with . . . ahem . . . profanities (me, not her), the cow skipped past the ranch entrance and, wonder of wonders, walked right over to the proper field.
Okay, I'd rather go here, too . . .
Eureka! (real word)
I opened the gate and she stepped sedately through.
Then turned and looked at me.
Stupid human!
At least one of us had retained her gentility.
I closed the gate and started back towards the ranch, humming happily. All that had gone on before conveniently forgotten.
Dad's truck slid to a stop beside me. "Need a ride?"
I climbed in, still humming.
Dad drove for a moment. Then he said, not looking at me, "I got a real education this morning."
I looked at him, innocently, "Oh?"
"Yes. I discovered that my middle daughter knew words I didn't think she had even heard of."
"Oh." Very tiny voice, "You heard me?"
"Heard you! They heard you in town!"
"Oh."
That was all that was said.
It was never brought up again.
But I knew that Dad knew.
And he knew that I knew that he . . . never mind.
I'd like to say that I never used 'foul' language again, but I'd be lying.
For some reason, working with cows brings out the lowest form of expression.
Probably a good thing I don't work with them any more.
And I should probably point out that swearing isn't an easy habit to get rid of.
Even now, years later, a very strange word will pop into my head.
I'm happy to report that it never makes it past my lips, but I feel some dismay in the fact that it appears at all.
Sigh.
I'm a work in progress.
I should have taken lessons from the cow.

15 comments:

  1. Cows can try your patients but if you're a real masochist try sheep, my dad used to say there's only one thing more stupid than a sheep and that's the guy raising them(the fact that his father-in-law raised 1200 of them ...)

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  2. Be grateful that no-one set you to heading cats. They would know exactly where you wanted them to be, and would take malicious furry delight in making you think that they were going there - before darting off in the opposite direction at the last moment.
    Sadly colourful words do fall from my lips all too often.

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    1. I can just imagine. Trying to herd animals with a mind of their own. Yikes!

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  3. Cows, horses, the army, the navy, air force, the auto repair business, they all have a tendency to develop one's vocabulary to many colors that always consist of that one disgusting word that becomes a noun, verb, pronoun, adverb and anything else you might attach it to. I have to say that I have to watch what I say because the odd word slips out, and I seldom realize it slipped out unless I see a pair of eyebrows raised, or hear a gasp.

    And then there's what Dr. Jim just said about sheep. There was no creature put on this earth to try man more than a sheep. I find it somewhat insulting that mankind is often referred to in the Bible as sheep. Now pigs are intelligent, far more than a cow or a sheep. But then, our Savior saying: 'Feed my Sheep,' sounds better than: 'Feed my Pigs...'

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  4. It took me a while to stop using farm language now and then too.
    Enjoyed this colorful story. Hugs~

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  5. I didn't swear at all until I worked for a local large chain supermarket. Within a year, you'd think I'd been raised on the wharfs.

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  6. I sometimes wonder if I will be the little old prim-looking lady in the dementia wing of the nursing home who is swearing like a sailor. I so very very VERY hope not ...

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  7. There's nothing worse than being overheard when you think you are just talking to an animal. "They heard you in town" really made me laugh ...
    I don't have cows around, but my naughty cat has heard an earful from time to time.

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  8. Maybe Madame Cow is just confused, or not keeping focus. That said, you are doing a fine job tending to your cows and making sure that they behave properly in the ranch. It's filled with hurdles, but it seems you have things under control. You are being steadfast and are taking responsibility. Keep it up.

    Wilbert Bowers @ Mirr Ranch Group

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