Of Tables, Wind and Making an Ash of Oneself

Grant build our family a picnic table.

Cedar.

Nice.

It was the scene of many, many family meals and celebrations.

And occasionally the scene of . . . adventures.

Let me explain.

First, a little background.

Grant built a little home for us.

Okay. Originally, it was built as a dog kennel.

Then converted to a chicken coop.

Then we cleaned it up, insulated and panelled the interior.

Put down new flooring.

And we moved in.

Snug and cozy.

It was heated with a wood stove.

That is an important point.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

When I was expecting our fourth child, we decided that we needed more than 300 square feet to live in.

Grant built a basement and we moved our little house onto it.

Wow! Double the space!

We could now have such luxuries as . . . bedrooms!

A bathroom!

Luxury indeed.

But still heated with a wood stove.

Now comes the part where the picnic table and the wood stove come together.

It was winter.

Not much call for meals outdoors on our picnic table.

It had been shoved close to the house.

One day, just as we were preparing to head into town, Grant decided to clean out the little stove.

He carefully collected the ashes into a paper sack and carried them outside to put in the ash can.

Yes, we really had an ash can.

Don't ask.

Moving on . . .

One of the kids had a minor emergency just as my husby reached the front door.

He set his bag of 'mostly dead' ashes on the picnic table and scrambled to take care of the problem.

Done.

Then we packed up and left.

The bag of ashes sat, forgotten, in the centre of the picnic table.

I should explain, here, that the wind always blows in Southern Alberta.

This is important.

We were gone for some hours.

The wind blew on the little paper sack full of ashes.

And finally, ignited some of them.

They consumed the bag.

Then started on the nearest combustible object.

You guessed it.

Our picnic table.

Pushed up tight against the house.

When we returned from town, my husby stopped the car and turned it off,

Then hollered something unintelligible and ran for the house.

I was busy unbuckling children and pulling the baby out of her car seat.

I turned around just as Grant appeared with a bucket of water.

Which he threw on the picnic table.

It was then that I noticed the plume of smoke.

And heard the hissing of unhappy flames meeting . . . something extinguishing.

I moved closer.

Grant stood, surveying our picnic table.

Or, through the smoke, what was left of our picnic table.

An expression of relief and chagrin on his face.

“What on earth happened?” Me.

“I think I must have left the bag of ashes on the table.” He.

“Huh.” Me.

I herded the kids into the house while Grant poured more water on the picnic table.

Later, we took stock.

The table, miraculously, was mostly intact.

The bag of ashes had burned a large (12”) hole in the very centre.

The rest of it was still usable.

The miraculous part was the fact that the fire had confined itself to the centre of the table.

With the brisk wind, it could easily have burned the entire thing.

Not to mention our house.

Miracles, indeed.

There is a codicil.

My brother, Jerry, and his family were over to our little house for dinner.

As they were leaving, Jerry spotted the hole in the middle of our picnic table.

He laughed, sat down and said, “This porridge is too hot! said Papa Bear.”

Miracles aside, it was pretty funny.

Mrs. Santa's Panties By Grant Tolley

In recent months I have taken to walking during my lunch hour. 

Walking is my favourite form of just plain old exercise. A holdover, I guess, from my Boy Scout days when I always enjoyed hiking in the mountains and following a long trail through the forests and the trees.

But I digress already.

My noon-hour constitutionals take me most days to a shopping plaza that is about 2 ½ kilometres away from my office – I'm glad to say that I quite enjoy walking 5 kilometres or so most every day. 

For me it is the most natural thing in the world to do, and the most healthy.

When I get to the shopping plaza, I often visit the bank there.

I usually have to put some money into the bank so that they can keep operating.

Ahem! 

When I am not paying penance to the bankers, I sometimes wander through one or more of the commercial establishments. 

Now I should say that I am not much of a shopper-for-the-sake-of-shopping. But in recent years – since the marriages of my children and the arrival of an increasing gaggle of grand-kids – that I have taken to just wandering through stores, casually watching for a bargain on something that one or the other of them would like or could put to good use. 

So I buy it, and salt it away in my joint-occupancy-with-my-Beloved closet, which holds most everything except what a closet is normally supposed to hold.

So the other day, I had found a small item or two, which I had cradled in my arms (having being either too short-sighted or just plain stupid enough not to have picked up a shopping basket) – and I headed to the cash register. 

Now you must understand that this was the first really cold day of our winter, so I had on my bulky winter jacket, accompanied by dis-en-handed gloves which I held in one hand, holding the several items I needed to pay for, and then trying to fish my wallet out of a pants pocket that just happened to be underneath all of the above, and encumbered further by a set of keys and a blackberry, all not-so-neatly crammed into the same pocket. 

I don’t have a clue who the idiot was who put all that stuff there.

Needless to say, standing at the cash register, I was delayed somewhat on my wallet-fishing expedition, which held up the line of people behind me. 

One of my own pet peeves! 

People who wait in line for 20 minutes to pay for their purchases, then wait until the cashier says “Twenty-eight dollars and two cents, please”, before they even start looking for their wallet or opening their purse.

And then inevitably not finding it.

Especially in a purse – in my Beloved’s purse, her cheque-book usually ends up hiding right underneath the kitchen sink.

But I digress again . . . . 

I am sometimes annoyed by those persons – and now I find that I are one! 

Begorrah!

A woman behind me starts talking. 

To me. 

I keep fishing, more hurriedly, figuring that she is like me, and I am annoying her by delaying the line. I drop my gloves. 

I stoop to pick them up – and drop one of my purchases out of my arms. 

The woman laughs. 

Laughs! 

At me! 

And keeps talking. 

I’m not hearing much of what she says, because my eyes are on the floor – not literally, but almost -- and my ears can’t seem to work at the same time that my eyes do under duress. 

I toss my gloves onto the counter, stoop to pick up the dropped item – oops, make that now “items” -- which I quickly scoop up and throw onto the counter.

Whereupon one skids to the other side of the counter and falls, again, at the feet of the cashier.

“I’m sorry,” I say generally, hoping to include both the cashier and chattering Mom-like lady behind me.

And then I notice: Chattering Mom-Lady is smiling -- and still laughing! 

And then, with my eyes back in their sockets, I stop to listen.

Amidst chuckles, Mom-Lady is saying to me, “Don’t you just hate it when that happens! Every time I get into a rush, that happens! Why it happened to me just the other day, and I bent over to pick up the new underwear . . . . “

My mind starts racing . . . . Is this going to be one of those way-too-much-information-from-a-total-stranger type of stories?

“. . . and when I finally bent my back upright again – that floor is a loooong ways down there, these days . . . ." – she points to her rumpled grey hair doing a good job of escaping from underneath a too-small-for-so-much-hair, Canadian-flag touque -- “I turned to the guy behind me and tried to give him the panties that I had just picked up off the floor, and I told him, “You dropped your boxers, Sonny!” And he just about fell over laughing!”

I smile, as a jolly guffaw that reminds me of one of Santa Claus’ rolling belly-laughs rises up through Mom-Lady and shines out through her face.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” I mutter in an attempt at an apology.

“Oh my heavens!” says Mom-Lady, to me and the world in general. “I'm not in any hurry, Son! You just take your time.”

Fifty-six years old, and she calls me “son”.

“Thanks,” I mutter again. “You’re very patient.”

By this time I have successfully completed my fishing expedition, the cashier has completed the transaction, and I am attempting to put on my gloves and retrieve all my shopping bags. There is one left on the cashier’s counter that I don’t quite know how I'm going to retrieve.

“Can I help you there?” Mom-Lady queries.

Having only two fingers left on which a shopping bag could be hung, I turn to Mom-Lady and, pointing with my last two fingers at the last bag on the counter, say to her, “Would you mind handing me my panties there?”

Mom-Lady guffaws, long and loud. I'm afraid we might have to call 9-1-1. 

The cashier is laughing. As are two or three people in the line-up behind us.

Between rumbles of laughter, Mom-Lady hooks the last bag on my last two fingers, and says: “You have a great Christmas, son.”

“And you too, Mom” I reply through my smile.

Son. She called me “son”, and she couldn’t have been more than 5 years older than me. My hair was just as grey as hers. And even more rumpled.

As I think about Mom-Lady on my walk back to my office – arms loaded with shopping bags, for 2 ½ kilometres – I think, what a genuine human being! What a wonderful person! 

Where so many others might have been consumed by Queue Rage – or Road Rage – or Airplane Rage, or so many other of the non-existent syndromes that we have invented as an excuse to be rude and impolite and impatient and unkind – how very nice it is to encounter whom and what I regard as a genuine, true, Gentle-Woman.

Might Santa Claus bring us many more – this year and every year.

From my Husby's desk

From my Husby!

Just because I thought it was funny . . .

On vacation . . .

Subject: Scam warning! Home Depot

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts hugging and kissing you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th, 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale $2.99 each.

Pesky Tonsils!

Now

Then

My second oldest grandson just had his tonsils out.

Poor little guy.

But they were so huge that they made it difficult for him to swallow and were constantly getting infected.

There were perks.

For a week, he got to live on freezies and fruit pops and jello and things cold and wet.

Paradise.

He is feeling much better now.

And able to swallow, perhaps for the first time in his life.

Bless modern medicine.

It was day surgery. In and out.

The whole experience reminded me of my older brother, George.

Who had the same problem, fifty years ago.

Are we seeing a pattern, here?

George had a big appetite.

And a small throat.

He would chew and chew and chew on a piece of tender, wonderful roast beef.

Chew and chew and chew.

Then, finally, give up in despair and sit there, morosely, with a lump of meat in his mouth that he simply couldn't swallow.

My Dad took pity on him and told him to spit his mouthful into Dad's hand.

Which he did.

And which my Dad then disposed of.

Umm. Ick.

Then George would happily move on to the potatoes and gravy.

For a couple of years, the same scenario was played out at the Stringam dinner table.

George starting out with things chewy and delicious.

Then moving on to things mushy and easier to swallow.

Finally, it became so common that Dad didn't even get the chance to offer to help.

George would chew and chew and chew, then reach for Dad's hand and spit his mouthful into it.

Often without Dad realizing it.

Until it had happened.

Sort of hard to ignore then . . .

When he did it at a restaurant, my parents decided that something had to be done.

Checkup.

Diagnosis: large tonsils.

Solution: Removal.

Back then, though the operation was common, it meant several day's stay at the local hospital.

But with lots and lots of ice cream and jello.

Modern medicine has come so far.

Nicknames

Bare Blue Stringam

Both of my parents served in the 4-H calf club in our community.

This duty included attendance at the club's annual summer retreat.

I know you are wondering what this has to do with nicknames, but wait for it . . .

Because both of my parents were going on the trip, all of their children had to come along.

Because.

My brother, Blair, was three.

A happy, friendly little boy.

Who didn't always spit out his words clearly.

One young man, a member of the club, asked the smiling little towhead his name.

"Blair Lewis Stringam."

"What?"

"Blair Lewis Stringam."

Admittedly, it came out sounding something like 'Blairloostringam'.

But I digress . . .

"Bare Blue Stringam?"

"No! Blair Lewis Stringam."

"Okay. Bare Blue Stringam."

And just like that, he had a nickname.

It's that easy.

My Grampa, George Stringam had a younger brother who couldn't pronounce Grampa's name clearly.

It came out "Dard."

Thus, his nickname. Dard.

Which my brother, George, inherited the moment he was born.

My daughter, Tiana, was learning to spell her name.

She wrote the letters 'T', 'I' and 'N' properly. But her 'A's' had the lines on the wrong sides, thus disguising them as 'B's'.

Her second oldest brother, Erik was looking at a sheet of paper she had been practicing on.

"Who's Tibnb?" he asked.

A name we call her to this day.

I, myself have been through several incarnations of my name as told here.

What are the nicknames in your life?

I'd love to hear them!

Break Time!

Mischief-maker extraordinaire!

Halloween was a time of hijinks and high-spirited fun in Milk River in the 60s.

Much like it was everywhere.

My brother's stories always surpassed anything my friends and I could dream up, however.

Our lone constable tried hard to keep order in his town.

By different techniques . . .

1. Keeping a strong presence.

Rather hard when you are the only cop in a town full of 'hooligans'.

His word, not mine . . .

And the kids know that as soon as you've driven past, you can't see them.

2. Locking everything up.

Also only effective if one actually . . . locks . . .

But I am getting ahead of myself.

One group were especially rowdy.

My eldest brother's group.

Oh, they didn't do actual damage, unless you count the time they burned down a rickety old shed and, along with it, the power lines to the entire town.

But that is another story.

They just had fun.

One Halloween, our intrepid, lone policeman decided that the best defense was a good offence.

And the best way to do that was to round up the troublemakers before they actually . . . made . . . trouble.

Which he did.

My brother and his friends were escorted, under protest, to the local jail and locked into one of the cells.

Throughout the evening, many more were brought in.

The cell was getting crowded.

Our policeman was quite proud of himself.

He had single-handedly stopped the mischief in our town.

Genius.

What he hadn't considered was the imagination and daring of this particular group of young men.

And the security of his police station.

With its back door that was never locked.

Ever.

Something that all of the kids in town knew.

Partway through the evening, two of the mayor's sons sneaked in by that door and gave the 'prisoners' a file.

An actual file.

I am not making this up.

Then they left.

The boys locked in the cell immediately went to work and, in short order, filed through one of the bars.

One by one, they sneaked through the opening and out the back door.

One of them, however, refused to leave.

He wanted to see the face of the constable when he discovered the empty cell.

He got his wish.

The constable came in to perform a routine check.

He found, not a sound cell full of potential law-breakers; but instead, a cell minus one bar and most of his prisoners.

Consternation warred with chagrin in his expressive face. (Ooh! Good sentence!)

The lone young man was laying back on a bunk, both hands behind his head.

He sat up. "Sir! There's been a jail-break!"

And you thought Milk River was a sleepy little town!

New Coat! Oh, and Christmas Tree . . .

Clockwise from right: Aly (Hired man's son),
Anita, Blair, and Me - in my little gold beauty.

It wasn't often that we kids were able to go on a field trip with my Dad.

When it happened, we were eager.

When it happened at Christmas, we were beyond excited.

Ecstatic.

Exuberant.

Exhilarated.

Elated.

Euphoric.

Electrified.

That's all of the 'E' words I can think of.

Except that 'energetic' should be stuck in there somewhere.

And, for me, usually immediately followed by, "Empty all tanks!"

When I think about it, I guess it's not surprising that we didn't go on field trips with my Dad very often.

Back to my story . . .

Dad was taking us four oldest kids to the Sweetgrass Hills to cut down our family's Christmas tree.

It was the 50's.

Families did things like that back then.

But we had to make a quick stop in Milk River at the Robinson's store to get me a winter coat.

I had outgrown my old one and Dad wasn't excited about trailing me through the forest wrapped in my blanket.

Go figure.

So the excitement level for this trip had just been dialed way up.

In fact, I was so elated, that Dad didn't even wait for the 'announcement' (see above), but sat me in the car with a bucket already in my lap.

Smart man.

We made the 20 miles to Milk River without incident. (see above . . . again.)

And entered the store.

I should explain here that the Robinson's Store was the only shop in Milk River that featured clothing.

There were neat piles of everything wearable.

And the wood plank floors creaked delightfully.

And if you were really lucky, you got to watch Theo Barrows gift wrap packages at her counter in the middle of the store.

The curling of the ribbons was especially fascinating.

Where was I  . . .?

Oh, yes.

New coat.

Dad asked the manager where we could find coats in my size and was conducted, with me tagging eagerly behind, to a rack at one side of the store.

My eyes were immediately drawn to a gold, furry, wonderful garment.

I reached out a hand and brushed the soft fur.

Oooooh!

"This one, Daddy! This one!"

"Okay, we'll try this one," Dad said.

I dropped my blanket and slipped my arms into the sleeves.

Perfect!

"I guess we'll take it," Dad said.

Good thing, too, because there was no way they were ever going to pry me out of that coat.

Dad paid and we trooped back out to the car.

The other kids excited now to get to the real reason for this trip.

Me brushing and brushing the soft fur on my arms and chest.

We had fun finding the tree.

I think.

We did end up with one.

I really don't remember much about it.

Me and my coat were happy, sitting in the car together.

And watching through the windshield.

Because, after all - one couldn't wear one's new coat out into nature!

What if it got soiled?

Later:
Blair (in my now-outgrown coat), and Anita
The original recycling program

Dad later said something about 'waste of time and money'.

But who listened?

Saved for Greater Things

Tristan and his wife, Jess.

When we were teenagers, my husby and I got involved in theatre.

And stayed involved.

This year marks 42 years for me.

And slightly more for him.

I know, I know. Do the math.

That makes us both . . . old.

But we love it.

We raised our children on the stage.

All six.

Our most recent production, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers closed last night.

To a standing ovation.

Our youngest son, Tristan was singing the role of Adam.

And as I watched him, I couldn't help but remember his first time on stage, at the age of 5.

We weren't sure if he would remember lines, so we made him a mute.

Big mistake.

He hasn't stopped talking since.

Then I thought about all of the roles he has had in his short lifetime.

And other experiences he has had on the stage.

Let me tell you about one.

We were setting up the stage for a production of “I Hate Hamlet”.

Look it up. It's funny.

We were trying different configurations with our set pieces.

One piece, a double glass door in it's own frame, was built by a home builder.

He hadn't understood that set pieces were supposed to drag around easily.

And be . . . light.

He had built it according to building code requirements.

So . . . definitely not light.

We had stood it up and were discussing where it should go in the grand scheme of things.

My son, Tristan was sitting innocently in a chair on stage, waiting for his parents to finish moving furniture around.

We stepped away from the door, intent on another piece of scenery.

And that's when it tipped.

The door, I mean.

Forward.

Towards my son.

It was one of those things that you could see happening.

But were powerless to stop.

For a moment, time slowed to a crawl.

The door dropped.

Down.

Down.

And smacked the back of our son's chair off.

Really.

A large, heavy, wooden chair.

Broke the back right off.

Our son turned and looked.

The door had missed him by a whisker.

I watched him singing last night.

And thought about that wall falling towards him so many years ago.

Obviously preserved for greater things.

Just Another Stringam Car Trip

Ready to go.
Pictured L to R: Anita, Blair, Dad, George, Jerry,
Missing: Mom, Chris, Diane and the potty.

Traffic has slowed to a crawl.

Not a usual thing for a small, hard-topped, two lane, secondary road twisting through the foothills of Southern Alberta.

We join the end of a line of cars.

"Huh. Weird," Dad says.

"What on earth could be causing this?" Mom asks, spitting on a Kleenex and cleaning the face of her youngest son. "Careful with that chocolate bar, son, you're getting it on your father."

"Can't see, yet," Dad says. "But the line will be straightening out soon and . . . ah!"

The line has done so.

Disclosing the culprit.

A house.

White clapboard.

Two storey.

Not something you see in the middle of the road every day.

Usually that's reserved for bungalows.

The house creeps along.

We creep along behind it, more cars joining us every minute or so.

Like the growing tail of some large, unwieldy, blockish monster.

"I wonder if he knows we're here," Mom says, pulling the potty out from under her seat. "You'll just have to go while we're moving, dear," she says. "We don't want to lose our place in line."

Right. Because we'll be left behind?

As the rest of the line of traffic moves off at 20 MPH.

"Mom! I hate going when the car is moving!"

"Well, try not to miss."

"How long till the turn?" she asks Dad.

"At this rate? About three days," Dad says.

We are heading to our relatives for dinner.

I'm beginning to hope that their food tastes 'just as good the second day'.

Mom opens her car door and dumps out the potty, then wipes it out with the spit Kleenex and stuffs it back under her seat.

She drops the tissue into her handy-dandy paper bag trash receptacle and glances around at her brood.

Four are scattered across the wide back seat.

Important note: Seatbelts and safety measures hadn't been invented yet.

Jerry and George are arguing over a car magazine.

Chris and Diane are reading. Diane is getting rather green around the gills.

Mom frowns. Might be a good time to distract Diane.

She glances out the window, hoping to spot some horses.

The only thing known to pull Diane from a book.

Blair is happily parked in the front seat between Mom and Dad, looking at the pictures in one of his brother's comic books.

And Anita is perched on Mom's lap, nose against the window.

"Mom! I wanna drink!" George has given up trying to wrench the magazine from his older brother and is now sitting with his arms cross on the back of the front seat.

"Okay. I just get one here . . ." Mom mimes taking a glass and turning on a tap.

"There you go!"

"Mom! A real drink!"

"There's plenty of water in the well!" Dad says.

"You can have some of mine!" Anita says, offering her bottle of cream soda.

George looks at the pale-pink liquid that started out a brilliant red.

"That's okay," he says. "I can wait."

"Mom? I'm car sick!" Diane has emerged from her book on her own.

Not a good sign.

Again the potty comes into play.

Diane now sits with it on her lap.

"How much further?" Chris has come up for air.

"A year or two," Dad says, leaning forward and peering through the front windshield.

"Let's play a game!" Mom says. "How about 20 questions?"

"Okay! I've got it," Jerry says.

"Animal, vegetable or mineral?"

"Animal."

"Alive or dead?"

"Alive."

The game is played to its usual conclusion.

Elvis.

And another round starts.

Blair and Anita have fallen asleep.

Mom rescues the offensive cream-soda bottle just before it tips over. She again opens her car door and discretely empties it out onto the road.

I imagine, for a moment what it must be like to follow our car at 20 MPH. Heads bobbing about. Car door opening periodically to expel various fluids.

"Oh, look!" Dad says. "The house is pulling over!"

Mom laughs. "Now that's not something you hear often," she says.

Mom always manages to keep her sense of humour.

It's a gift.

Slowly, the line of cars begins to pull out around the house.

Like a stream finding its way around a large, recently introduced stone.

Dad pulls up beside the house driver and gestures to Mom, who rolls down her window.

"Why don't you get a travel trailer, like everyone else?" Dad says, with a grin. "You'd find it immensely easier!"

"I'm so sorry!" the driver says. "Were you following me long?"

About four years, three months, twenty-one days, and thirteen hours, Dad thinks.

What he says is, "Oh, no. Not long!"

They wave to each other and we are off.

Just another family car trip.

Daddy Training

Big Brother

Our third son, Duffy, was two-and-a-half when our first daughter was born.

He stuck to the baby and I like glue.

That doesn't mean he learned anything . . .

At the tender age of three, Duffy was enrolled in the Sunbeam class in our church.

With eight little girls.

Boys were obviously something new.

Moving on . . .

The scheduled lesson was all about babies.

A precious gift from God.

It was a beautiful lesson.

My four-month-old baby, Caitlin was invited into the class.

I came with her.

Sort of like show-and-tell.

But interactive.

And noisy.

Okay, just like show-and-tell.

After the little girls got tired of cooing over the real baby, their teacher (the mother of five girls, herself) brought out a large basket.

Filled with everything 'baby'.

There were dolls by the dozen.

Clothes.

Blankets.

Bottles.

Everything to keep the budding little mothers in the class happy forever.

Duffy was a boy.

And, though his older brother liked cuddling dolls, Duffy was more comfortable with trucks and things 'boy'.

He was handed a baby doll.

Naked.

And a blanket.

He dangled his doll by one foot and looked at the little girls around him.

All had at least one (and some two) little baby wrapped warmly and tucked tenderly into her arms.

Most were singing softly.

And rocking.

Duffy stared at them, then held up his baby.

Still by one foot.

Okay. He could handle this.

He spread his blanket out on the floor.

Then dropped the doll onto one corner and proceeded to roll it up like a sausage.

He then jammed the resulting package under one arm like a satchel.

Done.

The teacher handed him a bottle.

There's more?

He took the bottle and looked at it.

I should mention here that I nursed my babies.

Duffy had never seen a bottle before.

He frowned, thoughtfully.

What an earth was he supposed to do with this?

Finally, he pulled out his little, blanket-wrapped bundle, grabbed a corner of said blanket and gave it a pull.

The doll flipped out, spun in the air for a moment, then clattered to the floor.

Duffy again grabbed it by the foot.

This time, he examined it closely.

Ah. There was a tiny hole in one butt cheek.

Perfect for the strange little bottle he had been handed.

He stuck the nozzle of the bottle into the little hole and beamed happily at me.

All was well.

My son, father to future generations . . .

There is a codicil.

Despite this obviously rocky start, Duffy has proved to be an excellent and loving father.

Gifted with working with children of special needs.

I guess he was watching after all.

Gratitude Giveaways

Welcome to the Gratitude Giveaways Blog Hop hosted by: I Am A Reader, Not A Writer and co-hosted by All-Consuming Books.
This is your last chance to win a copy of Carving Angels this November!
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Carving Angels

World's Worst Tenants

Okay, he looks cute here . . .

We lived in the country.

Far out in the country.

There were many people living in our house.

But we weren't the only tenants.

The others were warm.

And breathing.

And regularly produced offspring.

But there, the similarities ended.

They routinely got into our food storage.

And made their own comfortable little hideaways in our walls and dressers.

And never, ever paid rent.

They were also covered with hair.

And had tails.

You're right.

We had mice.

Did you know that mice like to nest in clean baby clothes, rendering them un-wearable?

And can squeeze through really, really tiny holes?

Climb anywhere?

So it is nearly impossible to bar them from your home.

And they like everything we like.

Flour.

Sugar.

Oatmeal.

Beans.

Grains.

Cereal.

Cookies.

Any form of treats.

Actually anything that you might find in the average food storage that comes in a cloth or cardboard package.

And some plastic.

They have even been known to burrow into boxes of Kraft dinner or bags of Ramen noodles, which we all know have no nutritional value whatsoever.

We learned to live with them.

Trap them when we could.

Even poison some when we were truly desperate.

But still they kept coming.

We found 'mice tracks' in our clean bedding. On the shelves. On top of the TV. Even on the kitchen counters.

It was a nightmare.

Which I think could easily be turned into a horror movie.

Hmmm. Attack of the Mice? The Teeth That Could Chew Through Anything?

How about: The Really Annoying Things in the Walls?

Okay, I'm out. What are your suggestions?

Moving on . . .

My Husby and I were in bed, drifting at the edges of sleep.

Well, I was, he was reading a magazine.

Suddenly, he spotted movement.

I should explain here, that our temporary bedroom was in the basement and our bed was shoved into the corner formed by the meeting of two cinder-block walls.

Mice can climb cinder block walls.

And I was the person sleeping next to the wall.

Enough exposition.

My husband turned his head sharply and the mouse climbing up the corner, inches from my head, immediately dove for cover.

Huh. My husband rolled the magazine he had been reading and waited.

Soon, his patience was rewarded.

Our intrepid little explorer (see how refined I am? I could have called him *&^%$#@!!!) started, once more, upwards.

This time, Grant waited until the mouse was high enough on the wall that he couldn't possibly get back. Then he attacked.

SWAT! With the rolled-up magazine.

He got it!

The stunned mouse fell.

Right onto my chest.

The edges of sleep vanished as I gasped and sat up.

Whereupon (good word) he fell with a plop into my lap.

Grant scooped him up, quickly dispatched him, and then turned the most apologetic face to me that I have ever seen.

And all I could do was laugh.

What else can you do when it starts raining mice?

Indoors.

P.S. We did solve our mouse problem.

We moved.

Parenting 101: Kids and Phones!

My 'Creative Parenting' Prof.

When Dad spoke. We listened.

Most of the time.

But one ignored my father at one's own risk.

He could make his wishes known.

Creatively . . .

I had a boyfriend.

It was a new and exciting experience for me.

We would say good-bye at the school bus stop, get on our respective buses and head for home.

An hour later, we would be on the phone together.

Talking.

For hours.

Literally.

I should point out here that, in the 1960s, we had one phone line to the ranch.

And, because we were ultra-modern and progressive, two phones on that line.

One in the kitchen.

And one in my parents bedroom.

The epitome of modern convenience.

Back to my story . . .

I don't know what we found to talk about. But talk, we did. Until one or both of us was tagged for chores.

Or supper was announced.

Or our parents got annoyed.

My Mom was usually quite predictable, saying such things as, “Diane! Get off the phone! You've been on there for an hour!”

To which I would comply.

Eventually.

And under protest.

My Dad was a little more creative.

He would walk in the door, see me there on the phone, note the time, and leave the room.

That was my cue.

And my only warning.

I had seconds to say my good-byes.

Because Dad wanted me off the phone. And I wasn't going to like his methods.

They were . . . effective.

He would simply walk into his bedroom and turn on the radio.

Loudly.

Then take the phone receiver and lay it down beside said radio.

If I hadn't already ended my conversation, I did so then.

With a shouted good-bye and hastily cradled phone.

Mission accomplished.

Simply and elegantly, without a word being spoken.

Genius.

Getting Where You Want to Go

Grant . . . navigating.
With granddaughter, Rini.

My husband has iron boogers.

And in Canada, we have The Dominion Land Survey.

These two are connected.

Maybe I should explain.

First:

My husband's favourite program on TV was the Tim Allen show, Home Improvement.

In one episode, Neighbour Wilson told Tim that men are actually endowed with minute bits of metal in their noses that aid in navigation.

Tim, putting his twist on it, called them 'iron boogers'.

A term that my husby whole-heartedly embraced and endorsed.

And:

When Canada was first being mapped/documented, it was divided into a perfect grid.

Or maybe an imperfect grid, but a grid, just the same.

We were raised in an area where the roads were straight and regular and one mile apart.

If one road was blocked, you could find 113 other ways to get where you wanted to go.

It was a perfect system.

People growing up in that environment developed an unerring sense of direction.

Thus, my husby.

See the connection?

Moving on . . .

We were travelling in Ireland.

Have you ever heard it said that there is no green quite like the green of the Emerald Isle?

It's true.

But I digress . . .

We had just driven into town and were looking for our bed and breakfast.

Our map only covered the specifics of reaching said town, not the particulars of what to do when we got there.

There was a woman walking down the street.

Grant pulled over and we asked her how to reach Thus-and-So Bed and Breakfast.

These are her exact words, "Oh that one. It's rather difficult to describe. You need to go up that hill (pointing) and turn right. There is a hotel there and they can direct you."

We thanked her and did as she directed.

Except for the 'turn right' part.

My husby turned left.

At which time, I gave up.

He drove around for a total of one minute, then pulled over to the side of the street. "Why don't we just stop here?" he said.

I looked out of the window and gasped.

Thus-and-So B&B. Right there.

In front of us.

I gasped and turned to stare at him.

He merely tapped his nose and looked at me significantly.

From then on, I used the map merely to get us to the next town, then tossed it into the back seat.

Grant was much better at finding our destination when he wasn't hampered by such distractions as maps.

Old Iron Boogers.

Battleship for Amateurs

Hours of fun. Or aggravation . . .

Mom always appreciated a good joke.

Usually, she stood back and . . . appreciated.

Occasionally, she was the instigator.

Let me explain.

Our family had just been introduced to a new game.

Battleship.

Actually, an old game, originally played with paper and pencil, now in a new format.

Plastic peg boards of Mediterranean sea blue.

With cute little plastic ships.

We spent many hours playing this game, trying to outwit each other with our clever placements.

Very occasionally, we were able to convince one or the other of our parents to play.

Dad was deadly. He systematically shot at your ships.

Every third hole.

You could see his juggernaut (good word) sweeping down on your hapless little fleet and were powerless to stop him.

The game always left you feeling like a butterfly on a pin.

But Mom was a little more. . .  gentle.

She would destroy your ships using woman's intuition.

You were just as dead, but you felt better about it.

One day, she was playing with one of my younger siblings, Blair.

The game had been going on for some time.

"B-8." Mom

"Hit." Blair.

"G-3." Blair.

"Miss." Mom.

"B-7." Mom.

"Hit." Blair.

"G-1." Blair.

"Miss." Mom

And so it went.

Until Mom had cornered Blair's final ship and was closing in for the kill.

And game.

Finally, Blair got tired of the constant discouragement.

"Where are those darn ships anyways?!" he demanded.

Mom gazed down at her board. "Ships?" she said.

Then she grinned.

She hadn't put them on the board.

Game. Set. Match.

We Have a Winner!

We have a winner!!!
Judy at Judy has won a copy of Carving Angels, a sweet little Christmas book!
A big, BIG thank you to everyone who entered my draw!
You made this draw the best one yet.
I hope you will stay around and continue to read my blogs. 
I write them for you . . .
The next contest starts in only a few days.
Hope to see you there!
Thank you again, everyone!

Through the Eyes of Our Soldier

Erik, right and a colleague, Larry.
 On the back of the picture, it says: 'I'm the one in green'.

Remembrance Day.

A day set aside to think about all of the people who have served us by laying down their lives.

And who are risking their lives today.

The ultimate sacrifice.

My thoughts are turned to the times when my husband and I have toured memorials around the world.

The military cemetery in Cambridge, England, where we had to leave because I was crying.

The Vietnam memorial in Washington. DC, when we watched a worker do a 'rubbing' for the brother of a fallen soldier, before we had to leave because I was crying.

The bunkers on the beach in Normandy, before we had to leave because I was crying.

The tiny military museum in the English countryside that we had to leave because . . . I think I'm beginning to see a pattern.

My second son served for eight years as an engineer/mine specialist in the Canadian army.

Including a peace-keeping mission in Bosnia. (When he returned home, he walked over to the lawn and just stood there. When asked why, he said, "I haven't been able to simply walk over and stand on grass for 10 months. This feels wonderful!)

I thought it particularly appropriate to include excerpts from some of his letters home . . .

Be warned, he was a soldier and had a wicked sense of humor and . . . opinions . . .

14 June

Greeting, Earth Dwellers,

The average temperature is currently hovering around +34C, which it has been all week. My secretary, Aida, was translating the radio for me and told me that these temperatures are the hottest in 68 years. Boy, are we lucky. The humidity is about 10000000% on top of that, so as you towel off from your freezing shower, the water droplets are replaced by sweat droplets as fast as you can wipe them off. I'm drinking 10 liters of water a day. 4 of them during my workout alone. Just crazy.

*  *  *

I forget what the date is, July something.

Hi, everybody!

I hope you all had fun at camp this last week, You'd better have. I had a lot of fun diving on the island of Vis. Even without the diving, the scenery was unbelievable. Except for the old ladies on the beach without tops on. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! That sort of thing could scar me for life. It should be illegal. Fortunately, I spent lots of time under water. I even held an octopus. He wasn't impressed. His suction cups felt really neat, though. The laser vision burns, though. Who knew octopus could cook their own food? National Geographic had taught me nothing!

NOTHING!

Calm now.

*  *  *

I'm doing well, since you asked. I just drove here for the first time yesterday, and I had a lot of fun. The road signs are just a vague suggestion to the motorists here, so I had to adjust my driving doctrine to suit the conditions. Basically, we speed everywhere, and pass when we want to. Even driving like a maniac, my boss, Major Thelwell, says that I'm the safest driver she's seen here. I can't wait to drive around with her at the helm. Apparently I'm in for an exciting trip.

Later this week, I get to drive to Banja Luka on Tuesday, Zgon on Wednesday (it's right beside Kluc on the map, if you're looking for it), and then we go to Sarajevo by way of Tuzla on Thursday, returning on Friday by going through Kakanj. Basically, I get to see the whole country in a week. Sarajevo will be fun, I think.

Please send pictures of the dogs. I told my assistant, Aida about them and she wants to see them. There are a lot of dogs around here, but most are the end result of decades of hasty, unplanned dog sex. There was a cute little puppy who lives in the entrance bunker at the camp in Zgon, though. He was there with all the guards who were dressed in their fighting gear, and he was inspecting our vehicle while we talked to the guards. What a little cutie. I think he was a little Doberman without a docked tail, and no doubt he gets away with murder at the guard bunker. Fortunately, everyone seems to like Canadians.

*  *  *

The Book of Bosnia

Chapter One

1. And it came to pass that the soldiers of the Queen did go forth into the land of Bosnia, to bring a lasting peace unto the land.

2. And the soldiers did look about them and did see many peoples throughout the land, and behold, the land was bountiful, and beautiful to be seen.

3. And it came to pass that there was a spirit of contention throughout the land, causing much death and destruction.

4. And the soldiers dwelt in a tent.

5. Now the soldiers went forth unto the people, saying:

6. What is wrong with you people?

7. Lo, these words were heard by many, and the people did listen. But the people did not speak English, so they did continue to fight, and ignored the Queen's soldiers.

8. And there was no air-conditioning to be had.

9. Now the soldiers were angry, because the people were fighting among themselves, and many people had died. Plus one leg had fallen off their foosball table, which did enrage them.

10. Therefore, the soldiers did cry out to their Lord:

11. "Oh, Lord, why hast thou forsaken this land?"

12. And the Lord did hear the cry of the soldiers, and did pity them, and did say unto them:

13. "Quit whining! For crying out loud. You sound like a bunch of little girls!"

14. And many great and glorious things did the Lord speak unto the disgruntled soldiers in this manner, until the soldier's hearts were softened and they did fall to the earth in amazement.

15. Lo, their parachutes had not opened.

16. Now the soldiers were of the mind that the Lord had played a rotten trick on them, what with the parachutes and all, so therefore the soldiers did decide to bring peace unto the land of Bosnia by circumventing Him.

12. And it came to pass that the soldiers did cry unto a false god.

18. And this false god was called Chrétien, the father of lies, the ancient enemy of all men.

19. And Chrétien did speak words unto the soldiers, but the soldiers were deceived, and did misunderstand his words, since Chrétien cannot speak any mortal language.

20. And it came to pass that the soldiers began to wander aimlessly throughout the land, and their faith did diminish, and they forsook the false god Chrétien, and did end their days as wanderers, eating berries and kittens and other nasty stuff.

21. And peace was brought by Superman, and there was much rejoicing.

Calling All Animals

Our Steed. I'll explain . . .

Our oldest daughter believed that there was something called the 'Universal Animal Call'.

It was a simple whistle. A single note rising in pitch at the end.

Tweee-eet!

She swore it worked on all animals.

We all thought she was hilarious.

Enough background.

My husband, for our 25th anniversary, surprised me with a trip to Greece.

And a cruise around the Mediterranean on a tall ship.

My dream of a lifetime.

And the vacation of a lifetime.

Ten days of unbelievable bliss.

I should probably mention, here, that I enjoyed it.

Immensely.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .

Where was I?

Oh, yes.

Greece.

Mediterranean.

During the cruise, we discovered the joy of laying in the nets beneath the spritsail at the bow of the ship.

Watching the Mediterranean slip past far beneath us.

It was the most relaxing experience of my life.

On the second last evening of our cruise, we introduced several new friends to this delicious experience.

Let me describe the scene . . .

The sun was setting. It glowed orange and red on the clots of cloud floating far above us in the darkening sky. There was just enough breeze to fill every rosy sail and push us forward through gentle, perfect waves on the impossibly blue water.

The air was a caress. Soft. Fragrant.

The only sounds were the occasional call of the sea birds as they floated on still wings alongside us.

Rocked gently, we hovered at the edges of complete peace.

Conversation lagged as, one by one, the members of our party flirted with the idea of succumbing to the call of Morpheus.

Drowsily, I turned to my husband and said, "What a perfect evening."

He laughed. "No, we need one more thing to make it truly perfect."

"What is that?"

"Dolphins."

He was right.

The last perfect touch would be dolphins, chittering and giggling as they leaped and played in the water beside us.

"We could always try the Universal Animal Call."

We had explained the UAC to our new friends.

And had a good laugh.

Then I whistled.

Tweee-eet! Tweee-eet.

And we laughed again.

Silence settled over us once more.

Silence broken, suddenly, by . . . chittering and giggling.

We looked down.

Several dolphins were leaping and playing alongside us.

I blinked and stared, open-mouthed.

Then rubbed my eyes and stared again.

Yes. There really were dolphins.

And yes, they really were playing beside the ship.

My husband and I looked at each other.

And laughed.

Happily, this time.

Maybe the UAC actually worked.

Maybe it was just an amazing coincidence.

Or maybe a trick by some gifted and very 'on the spot' magician.

Whatever.

It had made the evening truly perfect.

And I'll never, ever forget it.

More Music

Our Engineer - far right.

Our son, an army engineer, was on his Combat Leadership course.

It was gruelling.

Months of training.

An adrenaline rush of enacting scenarios.

Strategizing.

Analyzing situations.

Digging in and getting dirty.

Gruelling.

And added to the daily duty roster, morning inspections.

Not only must they learn how to survive, even thrive in battle situations, they had to look good while they did it.

So each evening, after dinner, was spent in cleaning oneself and one's gear in preparation for inspection directly after breakfast the next morning.

For the most part, the soldiers enjoyed it.

It was a chance to unwind.

Kibitz around a bit.

Laugh and joke.

And keep their adrenalin up with pounding, exhilarating music.

At least that was what they called it.

Loud. Fast. Heavy.

Followed immediately by bed.

Needless to say, it took some time to wind down.

Except for our son.

Whose choice of music was a little more . . . conservative.

He would drift away almost immediately to the soft, soothing strains of Loreena McKennitt.

Or Enya.

One evening some time after lights out, the men were restless.

Knowing that their morning would come fast, not to mention early, they were anxious to get some needed sleep.

And it was proving elusive.

Again, except for our son, who had his stereo by his ear and had already drifted away.

To Enya.

One of the soldiers noticed.

And commented.

It had given him an idea.

The next evening, the group completed their usual day-end tasks.

To their usual music.

Then crawled into their bunks.

Lights were doused.

Then, out of the darkness, a voice.

“Hey, Tolley. Play us some of your music.”

Our son turned up the song he was currently listening to.

Only Time.

Enya.

Within seconds the sounds of snoring filled the dorm.

After that, immediately following lights-out, the strains of choice were something soft.

Soothing.

And sleepy.

The magic of music.