Stories from the Stringam Family Ranches of Southern Alberta

From the 50s and 60s to today . . .



Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Gas

Another of Daddy's favourite stories...
It’s important you know that Emerson Ells loved beans most of all when he dined.
But it’s also a fact that his good wife Elaine, was not one to be so inclined.
It wasn’t the taste or the texture abhorred, but the methane that followed hereafter.
I’m sure you appreciate all her displeasure when gas filled her home to the rafters.
So Emerson, he of the bean adoration, betook himself oft times to lunch,
And happily chose from the menu extensive, a large plate of baked beans to munch.
On this day it was doubly important to him, for his birthday, again, had appeared.
He decided a good plate of beans would endorse his making it through one more year.
He happily slurped up—not one, but two—plates of his favourite food.
Then laughed when he thought of his unwary wife and her wishes that he could elude.
When Emerson got to his home after work, his wife met him as he came in.
“I have a surprise!” she said as they kissed. Then blindfolded him with a grin.
She led him, unwary, along the main hall, the dining room clearly her goal,
When someone knocked loudly upon the front door. She sighed and disrupted their stroll.
And parking her husband in a dining chair, she hurried herself off to see,
Who could possibly be interrupting her plans and to knock with such temerity.
Now, remember those beans so happily consumed and their unlucky penchant to’ard gas?
Well, through the drive home, old Em’s  innards roiled and now he had something to pass.
He listened. Elaine was still neatly engaged. He could hear as she spoke from somewhere.
So Emerson leaned to one side (sneakily) and let loose a blast of hot air.
He felt better at the ensuing release, but his bowels soon started to strain,
And knowing his wife was still there by the door, he tipped himself over. Again.
A third time inflated, a third time released and a third time his needs were addressed,
Then hearing his wife as she closed the front door, decided he’d just keep the rest.
Soon his dear wifey was there at his side. As she murmured her apologies,
Old Em, he just smiled in a secretive way and thought of his release. Times three.
“And now your surprise!” his sweet wifey exclaimed as she pulled off his blindfold with care.
 Its removal revealed some guests at the board. Twelve of them were seated there.
So to you who like beans, and I’m one, I confess, please beware of the spouse-ly surprise,
Cause the likelihood’s there that you may just end up: the sole cynosure of all eyes.

16 comments:

  1. LOL, not only a hysterical story but with a moral. You've outdone yourself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'll tell Myself not to get too big-headed about it! :)

      Delete
  2. This is hilarious. I have to confess though, beans do not have that effect on me. I'm a happy little bean eater with no consequences.

    ReplyDelete
  3. And the moral of this story is to always behave as if your wife is watching.
    I hope he did learn his lesson.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! I keep thinking of the guests frozen there; trying so hard not to give away the surprise. ;)

      Delete
  4. Too funny! And perhaps she should have gotten him probiotics as his birthday present....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh! Good idea! Probiotics. Mmmm . . .

      Delete
  5. HA! That's great! Excellent party piece!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Such poetry! Very cute. I hope the moral of the story can be learned by all bean eaters!

    ReplyDelete
  7. That tickled my funny bone. And, a lesson learned, if I am ever escorted blind folded anywhere.....

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for visiting! Drop by again!

All of My Friends

Daughter of Ishmael

Daughter of Ishmael
Now available at Amazon.com and .ca and Chapters.ca and other fine bookstores.

Follow by Email

Hugs, Delivered.

Compass Book Ratings

Compass Book Ratings

Ghost of the Overlook

Ghost of the Overlook
Need a fright?

Google+ Followers

Networked Blogs

My Granddaughter is Carrying on the Legacy!

My Granddaughter is Carrying on the Legacy!
New Tween Novel!

Gnome for Christmas

Gnome for Christmas
The newest in my Christmas Series

SnowMan

SnowMan
A heart warming story of love and sacrifice.

Translate

My novel, Carving Angels

My novel, Carving Angels
Read it! You know you want to!

My Second Novel: Kris Kringle's Magic

My Second Novel: Kris Kringle's Magic
What could be better than a second Christmas story?!

About the Mom

My photo

Diane was born and raised on one of the last of the great old Southern Alberta ranches. A way of life that is fast disappearing now. Through her memories and stories, she keeps it alive. And even, at times, accurate . . .

Join me on Maven

Connect with me on Maven

Essence

Essence
A scientist and his son struggle to keep their earth-shattering discovery out of the wrong hands.

Essence: A Second Dose

Essence: A Second Dose
Captured and imprisoned, a scientist and his son use their amazing discovery to foil evil plans.

Looking for a Great Read?

E-Books by Diane Stringam Tolley
Available from Smashwords.com

The Babysitter

The Babysitter
A baby-kidnapping ring has its eye on J'Aime and her tiny niece.

Melissa

Melissa
Haunted by her past, Melissa must carve a future. Without Cain.

Devon

Devon
Following tragedy, Devon retreats to the solitude of the prairie. Until a girl is dropped in his lap.

Pearl, Why You Little...

Pearl, Why You Little...
Everyone should spend a little time with Pearl!

The Marketing Mentress

The Marketing Mentress
Building solid relationships with podcast and LinkedIn marketing

Coffee Row

Coffee Row
My Big Brother's Stories

Better Blogger Network

Semper Fidelis

Semper Fidelis
I've been given an award!!!

The Liebster Award

The Liebster Award
My good friend and Amazing Blogger, Marcia of Menopausal Mother awarded me . . .

Irresistibly Sweet Award

Irresistibly Sweet Award
Delores, my good friend from The Feathered Nest, has nominated me!

Sunshine Award!!!

Sunshine Award!!!
My good friend Red from Oz has nominated me!!!

My very own Humorous Blogger Award From Delores at The Feathered Nest!

Be Courageous!


Grab and Add!

Search This Blog

Ghost of the Overlook

Ghost of the Overlook
Need a fright?