Stories from the Stringam Family Ranches of Southern Alberta

From the 50s and 60s to today . . .



Thursday, November 14, 2019

Low Language

At least one of us was a lady . . .
Dad always told me that foul language is a sign of a feeble mind. We'll go from there . . .
It was hot!
I was tired!
Give me a minute, I'm sure I can think of better excuses . . .
The milk cow had been quartered in the east pasture, waiting for her to 'freshen'. (A cowboy term for 'give birth'.)
I know.
Cowboys are weird.
Moving on . . .
Her moment was getting close and it was time for her move into closer quarters.
I was elected to do it.
On foot.
Sigh.
Dad dropped me off at the gate with specific instructions. "Just chase her along the ditch, past the ranch and into the near-west pasture." I nodded. Instructions received and understood.
He drove off.
Things went well at first.
Right up until we reached the ranch entrance.
Madame Cow (I use this term lightly) couldn't quite get into her head the part of our instructions that said, "PAST the ranch."
I should explain here that the entrance to the ranch was on the north side of the road. The ditch we were following toward the west was also on the north side of the road.
And, when the breach in the fence appeared, Madame Cow insisted on turning . . . north. Towards the buildings. I had to sprint around her (remember I was on foot) and turn her back towards the road.
At which time she took the corner and headed east up the ditch we had just come down.
Another sigh. A little more forceful this time. And accompanied by a "Stupid cow!"
I got around her (feet, again) and turned her back west.
She followed the fence and again turned towards the ranch.
Way wrong!
"Stupid, dumb cow!"
Back towards the road.
Please head west. Please?!
Nope. East.
*#$! Cow!
Just a little swear.
This went on for some time, and my language, I'm ashamed to say . . . worsened.
Or got more colorful. That would be the 'PC' term.
Remember, I was raised around hired men. Experts at the English language. Or at least a certain part of it.
Not an excuse, just a reason.
Again and again, I got round her and tried to head her in the correct direction.
Again and again, she . . . didn't.
And my language got more and more peppered with, shall we say, 'colorful metaphors'?
None of which explained to said cow exactly what I expected of her.
I have to admit that the poor animal was probably quite confused by this time.
There were the buildings. With hay and comfort.
Why were we going the other way?
Okay, strange human, I'll just go back where I came from.
No?
Except that it would have probably sounded more like this:
Food!
Home!
Food!
Home!
In 'cow' of course.
Finally, after what seemed hours of chasing back and forth, and turning the air blue with . . . ahem . . . profanities (me, not her), the cow skipped past the ranch entrance and, wonder of wonders, walked right over to the proper field.
Okay, I'd rather go here, too . . .
Eureka! (real word)
I opened the gate and she stepped sedately through.
Then turned and looked at me.
Stupid human!
At least one of us had retained her gentility.
I closed the gate and started back towards the ranch, humming happily. All that had gone on before conveniently forgotten.
Dad's truck slid to a stop beside me. "Need a ride?"
I climbed in, still humming.
Dad drove for a moment. Then he said, not looking at me, "I got a real education this morning."
I looked at him, innocently, "Oh?"
"Yes. I discovered that my middle daughter knew words I didn't think she had even heard of."
"Oh." Very tiny voice, "You heard me?"
"Heard you! They heard you in town!"
"Oh."
That was all that was said.
It was never brought up again.
But I knew that Dad knew.
And he knew that I knew that he . . . never mind.
I'd like to say that I never used 'foul' language again, but I'd be lying.
For some reason, working with cows brings out the lowest form of expression.
Probably a good thing I don't work with them anymore.
And I should probably point out that swearing isn't an easy habit to get rid of.
Even now, years later, a very strange word will pop into my head.
I'm happy to report that it never makes it past my lips, but I feel some dismay in the fact that it appears at all.
I'm a work in progress.
I should have taken lessons from the cow.

12 comments:

  1. If you think a cow can be stubborn, you haven't tried moving pigs!
    I also know some "words" I have no idea where I ever heard ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, yeah. Pigs definitely are a whole other story! I remember my Husby's uncle who raised them. He had two boars get in with each other and they were busy trying to kill each other when he found them. He took a board and knocked one out. He said it was the only way to get them apart. Yow! I'll stick with cows...

      Delete
  2. When I have a difficult task and know it will just get harder and longer to do, I say all the low language I know right off the start. Seems to give me plenty of energy to complete the business.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't blame you at all. When frustrated, my language gets a little blue too! Your dad sounds so nice and understanding.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure he knew all those same words, but I never heard him use them. He was a sweetheart!

      Delete
  4. Perhaps off topic, but did all that back-and-forth cause Madame Cow to 'freshen' sooner? lol

    Yeah, I have to admit that my language isn't as good as it used to be when I had kids at home. And it IS hard to change! I keep thinking I'd better try harder, because soon I'll be that little old lady in the nursing home with a potty mouth :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it should have. Stupid cow.
      Heehee! Lady with a potty mouth... That conjures up such a vision! ;)

      Delete
  5. I gave up my mild swearing when the kids were born, but it came back, more forcefully, but only in my head, when I worked at the supermarket.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm pretty speechless, and I can only imagine that the cursing was warranted.

    ReplyDelete

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