Phobias: Baths -or- The Reason I Shower

Daddy and Me.
My parents should have produced
fatter children.
Then all of this could have been
avoided . . .

I loved baths.

Loved them.

In fact, once Mom got me into the tub, it was a major chore to get me out.

I would swim and play like a little fish, till the water cooled to the point that it was tepid.

And I was shivering.

I know. I know.

Makes no sense to me, either.

But I was four.

Little that one does, makes sense when you're four.

Moving on . . .

One day, Mom discovered a technique that shot me out of the tub quicker than a wet, slippery little bar of soap.

She pulled the plug.

While I was still in the tub.

Eeeeek!

What were we saying about making sense?

The water started down the drain.

Gurgle.

Gurgle.

Gurgle.

And suddenly, I knew that I was going to go down with it.

Oops. There goes Diane.

I knew what my parents would say . . .

“Darn! Lost another one! Guess we'll have to get us another little girl!”

Okay, so even at four I had a lot of imagination.

After that, all Mom had to do was reach for the plug.

It was like she put a current of electricity through the water.

Zip!

I would be standing, shivering on the bathmat.

Clean.

But whole.

My First Lesson

Front to back: George, Me, Chris, Jerry, Dad and Blair.
Look closely. Can you pick out the intrepid swimmer?

I had never taken swimming lessons.

We simply lived too far from the city for it to be a priority. Or even possible.

But I loved to swim.

And, with the river is such close proximity, did it a lot.

In the summer.

In winter, for obvious reasons, we were pretty much shut out.

Then, someone of great intelligence came up with a fantastic idea.

Why not hire a schoolbus and cart a load of kids to Lethbridge once a week?

It was genius!

Why hadn't anyone though of it before?

Now I could take lessons and my parents would only be responsible for getting me to and from Milk River.

Okay, it still meant a twenty-mile hike into town to drop me off and another twenty miles to pick me up, but why haggle over details?

I was going!

The bus ride was a treat. For one thing, I was suddenly riding with a different group of kids than I ever saw from the fourth seat back.

And for another, Kathy had a portable record-player, which she kept going the entire 50 miles.

I can't tell you how many times we heard 'Wipe-Out', but it was . . . umm . . . a few.

The bus deposited us safely in front of the Civic Center.

I should mention here that I've often wondered about bus drivers. What they do in their off hours, when they aren't closely closeted with a rowdy group of young people.

It's a wonder that more of them don't drink.

Can't you just picture a group of them around a table with shaking heads and “Let me tell you . . .!” stories?

But I digress . . .

We scrambled madly for the door and the change rooms, then poured out into the main pool room.

We were ready.

The teachers began to sort us into groups, using a highly accurate scheme.

How old are you? Are you afraid of the water? Have you ever taken swimming lessons before? What colour is your swimsuit.

Do you like boys?

Finally, they had us, more or less, categorized.

I had never taken swimming lessons, so I was inserted into the beginners class.

That was a treat.

“Okay, see if you can put your face into the water.”

Compliance.

“Okay. You! Little girl in the blue swimsuit!” Sigh. “Would someone please fish her out?”

Have I mentioned that I like water?

“Are you sure you've never had lessons?”

Head shake.

“Well, I'm moving you up to the next level.”

Okay.

And so it went.

By the time we were finished our one-hour lesson, I had been . . . promoted . . . seven times.

It must have been some sort of record, to go from the beginner level to the 'Junior Lifeguard' level.

In one lesson.

Who could have known that all my flailing and thrashing around like a demented fish had actually been getting me somewhere.

Or that, in the still water of a pool, with no current to fight, I could actually make headway.

Really fast headway.

Jerry (the only member of my family who could actually fight the river's current and win), eat your heart out.

Because miracles do happen.

I was suddenly the soggy and triumphant queen of my little, watery world.

It didn't happen often.

But it was a very good feeling.

My River

Our River - almost ready for swimming . . .

Our playground flowed right around the main Stringam Ranch buildings.

To the adult residents of the ranch, it was the South Fork of the Milk River.
To us, it was a muddy, murky paradise. Our entertainment. Our recreation. Our playmate.
It provided a solid skating surface in the winter and a wonderful swimming pool in summer.
In spring through fall, it was an endless source of educational fun as we hunted snakes and frogs. Tried to trap unwary fish. And generally made life miserable for any denizen so unfortunate as to capture our attention.
I learned to skate there. What is that little dictum that states that the hardest part about learning to skate is the ice?
That would apply to me.
Or at least to my backside.
But I digress . . .
I learned to swim there.
And I wish I could swim there, still.
On a hot summer afternoon, my siblings and I would invariably be found in the milky depths of our river.
I can remember exactly how the water looked - billions of grains of fine sand hanging suspended as the rays of sunlight shone through it.
I can remember how it smelled. Wet mud and fresh water and things growing.
And I can remember how it felt. Cool and soft as it slid across one's nearly naked little body.
The current was slow and sluggish, but still strong enough prove a challenge when swimming against it. In fact, only my eldest brother, Jerry could make any headway. The rest of us tried manfully, or girlfully (is that a word?) as the case may be, to keep up.
We couldn't.
But we did flail with purpose and, finally, I was able to at least hold my position.
It was a time of peace. When one's siblings were truly one's best friends. We watched over each other, fishing the smaller siblings out if they got in over their heads and keeping our St. Bernard, Mike from drowning anyone as he tried desperately to save them.
From time to time, the chief lifeguard, my Mom, would appear at the top of the cliff beside the house and survey the area, counting heads and noting the general state of her six offspring. Then she would wave and disappear.
And we would go back to whatever she had interrupted.
It was a blissful way to spend the summer.
Sure, there were chores that had to be done. Acres of garden to hoe. Cattle to drive. Calves to brand. Feeding. Milking. Haying. Fencing. Mowing. Harvesting.
But for those few hours every afternoon, we had no duties. No pressures.
Just Chris' radio blaring out whatever was considered the day's top hits. The soft sand. The sunlight on the milky water.
And each other.
We were right.
It was paradise.